utterly alone.

So several people have asked me to write about my story one large reason i started this blog is to share mine and others experiences so people know that what they are going through they are not alone . I was adopted when i was 12 years old,  I was removed from my home when i was 11 and a half, and was at a group home for 5 months. After that. i remember the exact day i was removed December 22 three days before christmas. Child protective services started to get involved maybe a month or two before December. At the time my home situation was difficult i have two older sibling one girl and one boy then i have 3 younger half blooded brothers. We all lived in a two bedroom apartment that had absolutely nothing in it. For dinner we would sit on the hard ground and eat our food there was one small tv just sitting on the cold floor,and to sleep some of us would have to sleep on the floor because we did not have enough beds to fit all 8 of us on.  At one point we bought a blow up air mattress and i cannot describe how happy i was to know i did not have to sleep on the floor anymore i felt like i was given a unicorn. My mom at the time was dating a guy he is the definition of a oh so bad word. He was involved with selling drugs and he was very successful at it. My relationship with my older siblings was horrible we hated each other and with my mom i do not remember one time she ever said she loved me. So that is the jist of the situation at that time of my life.  I am not sure how CPS found about about my dysfunctional situation.

During that long cold december i did not go school at all, i had no friends to confide in, and my family was not there at all. My mom would stay out till three in the morning with her dumb A word boyfriend and leave me to watch my younger brothers, they were maybe 2 and 3. I was eleven! i had no idea what to do, my sister would stay out with her friends because she did not want to deal with our “family drama” and so would my brother but he would come around the same time as my mom however he was either drunk or high. I was completely and utterly alone. At that time i have never felt more unloved and alone in my entire life. I had to stand by and watch my younger brothers be beaten with a metal belt till there backs would be fully red. My mom would just stand there with a blank face it seemed as though  that did not hurt her or bother her at all but, then there was me i would stand there with tears in eyes yelling at her to do something. I felt so much hate for that man i wanted him to drop dead because what dick he was. I think seeing an innocent child be beaten as if they are dogs broke me into pieces, it changed me in ways i cannot describe. When i would be home alone i would go outside and just sit on the stairs and think. I would think about how i want to die how i have nothing better for me that my life is going to be like this forever filled with nothing but hurt. It was such a dark place i was in. i could not imagine me ever being happy it hurt me to know that my younger brothers would have nothing that they will one day feel what i feel and that broke me.

It is so crazy to know that i thought i had nothing else for me i COULD NOT in one bit imagine a better life but i have one. We are blind and sometimes we cannot see that there is something better out in the world for us  but there is. I have seen it in my life i have felt so alone but i also have felt so much loved in my life that is indescribable. Just know that there is always more we just cannot see it. That girl that would sit on the stairs think about suicide almost everyday is now sitting in her bed talking to her best friend. Life is so much more than anyone can image

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